I would give the world to you!

A year ago I said to a girl, that I would cross oceans and mountains for her.
And I meant it. I'd have done anything for her. And not to just make her love me. Or because I felt obligated or something. But because I loved her. And well, that's just what love makes you want to do... anything.

But now a year has passed, since I last said words like that.
Well until recently.

I said it jokingly to a friend I give car rides to every once an a while. I said it because she felt bad that she relied on me a lot for rides. I at first said it dramatically- [silly voice included]---. "You're only 45 minutes away, heck don't you know I'd cross oceans and mountains for you......" I said in jest, but after the words left my lips, I realized I meant it. I would cross oceans and mountains, I would do anything for that friend. And over the past few days I realized I feel that way with all I can call my friends. I realized I would do anything for them. Really! [don't tell them this though it might go to there heads!]

And again it's not because I want them to like me, But because, well, I love them.
And thats what Love does....

So I have been asking myself. When did this happen?

I'm so not sure.

Maybe between praying to be able to Love and the fact I have amazing friends....

I want to live my life in Love. >>> I say it all the time.

But slowly I am starting to understand what those words truly mean [More and More]

I want to expand my definition of friends.
I want to love the orphan and the widow. I think I am closer to loving them then ever. My heart is starting to ache more and more for those who are hurting. [a beautiful ache not a bad ache-- sorta akin to a happy cry]

I want to get to know them. I want to know their names.
I want to see them as God sees them!!! [For Love does not see with rosy glasses but with the truest purest sight.]
Then I can climb to their mountains and sing to them songs of Love.
And shout out loud, of the amazing talents and joys of the overlooked and the marginalized.

Oh, I want to Love!!!!

Yes, so as I am writing of how my love grown in this year, I am smiling, yet I am not satisfied. For I have seen glimpses of what Love could be, and I want to see all that it is.
love, Love, LOVE

-Matt

Am I the only one who knows we are asleep?

Am I the only one who wants to wake up?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else cares about the things they say they do. I mean I know they do. I know they want to. Like this whole Loving/changing the world thing. We all want to, who doesn't. But long as it's a hobby. Long as it is an extracurricular. I am so tired. I want to fall asleep. I want to subcum to the lullaby. But I don't think I have it in me.
It's like a taste everyone can taste. Something not quite right. Off.
But most just get used to it and eat. I get sick from it.

But then again it's not like I can't get used to it, either. I think I can. I do get "numb" I do "fall asleep" sometimes. But what is different about me is, I think I am not built to stay there.

I've always purposely done crazy stuff to keep me fully focused in this world. I've done as a kid- since I can remember.. As if this drive was always there, hardwired.

Examples sound strange: Taking showers with clothes on or running out into the pouring rain and dancing through puddles with my nicest clothes[ did this alot when I was 20]. Dead Sprints, push ups, etc- lots of dead sprints. [Pushing my body to the very limit until I couldn't do it anymore].

Spending nights out alone in the woods with only a little gear.
Making friends with random strangers.

-------
[will continue-- till then, bed-- work in 5 hours...]

Oxygen

I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees
I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease
I wanna be cooler than t.v.
For all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be
We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe
We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need
We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.

On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.

I wanna see through all the lies of society
To the reality, happiness is at stake
I wanna hold up my head with dignity
Proud of a life where to give means more than to take
I wan't to live beyond the modern mentality
Where paper is all that you're really taught to create
Do you remember the forgotten America?
Justice, equality, freedom to every race?
Just need to get past all the lies and hypocrisy
Make up and hair to the truth behind every face
That look around to all the people you see,
How many of them are happy and free?
I know it sounds like a dream
But it's the only thing that can get me to sleep at night
I know it's hard to believe
But it's easy to see that something here isn't right
I know the future looks dark
But it's there that the kids of today must carry the light.

On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.

If i'm afraid to catch a dream
I weave your baskets and i'll float them down the river stream
Each one i weave with words i speak to carry love to your relief.

I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees
I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease
I wanna be cooler than t.v.
For all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be
We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe
We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need
We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.

On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew

-Willy Mason

Not feeling very

Not feeling very....


I have to edit.

but I really don't know how.

well sorta but not really

I don't wanna edit. I don't wanna. I don't!!! WANNNA.

Ugh.

I'm sorta bummed. I put so much effort into this last video and I am yet to finish it. The only way for me to ever finish it in a reasonable time frame is for me to do the editing myself. And I'm not even sure of how good its going to come out. For everything we put in....
It's not like I was slacking off. I worked very, very hard. Hardest in my life. And I prayed the whole way through too. I gave the whole thing over to God.

But in the end. FAILURE.


Don't get me wrong I'm not writing it off as a complete loss. I'm still smiling. I'm a make lemonade [out of life's lemons] kind of guy. I'm just frustrated. I don't know if I have it in me to finish this. I'm doubting if I'll ever finish anything. I just want to finish. I want to acomplish something I set out to do.
I don't want the reputation of the guy with lots of great ideas, who never finishes.


So here I go....again.

When we did soar

Sigur Rós - Glósóli

Music

I Am Dying.

I Shall. I Will.

I Must.

But As I Do, Let Me Sing.

For I Will Sing The Song of A Broken, Wounded Soul.

I Will Sing To Both The Tune of Blues,
And of Hymns

I Will Sing of Our Joys
And of My Pain

I Will Sing of Our Victories
And of My Defeats

But More Then Anything,
I Shall Sing of You.
Yes I shall sing it to You.

With verses of my doubts
But a chorus of our Love.

And as I die and the tune on my lips fades
May the melody stay, rest in your Heart.


i love you.

Focus

Hey world!

I hate how I have trouble finishing on any one thing.


Finally focused hardcore on a video project, only still not to get it finished on time~! But it's not my fault! Ugh. I worked soooo hard.

Such a bummer! I wish things came easier to me, but they don't. [Insert Smile here]

Though I am told that hard stuff builds character. So I am thinking at the end of this life- what a character I'm gonna be?!


~Matt

Bunnies

Hello cold morning!

Ever feel great, wonderful, awful and terrible all at the same time?

Cause that's me now!


I'm very happy and content but an ocean of crashing emotions lays under the surface. [I'm not trying to be overly poetic with that imagry, thats just the best way to discribe it]

beating heart baby

I miss her.

Two Stories

As a teenager I taught Sunday school in my local church, with a co-teacher who was a 40 year old woman. One day a 10 year old asked how we know which religion is true. He was basically repeating a question that he had heard at home from his father. Tough question kid. I didn't even have time to decide how to answer this inquisitive child before my co-teacher instantly became vehement and started to argue, very loudly, with this 10 year-old boy (in front of 20 other little kids) that Christianity was the only true religion and he was awful and rebellious to even suggest different. However, she never proved her point she just lost her temper. In the end, I, the teenager had to calm everyone down, and stop the argument before it got worse.

In High school I would try to share my belief in God with my friends. I once invited a girl I knew to church. She was a Wiccian. Our youth group teachers spent the better part of an hour telling her that she worshiped the devil and was going to hell. The only problem with that, besides the obvious, is that Wiccians actually don't worship the devil, at least not directly. They worship a goddess. She tried to explain about her religion. But the teachers told her she was wrong (about her own beliefs?!), they didn't seem to care about her or anything she believed--just about her conversion.

These people served God. They were even in leadership positions and I think that they really do know and have a relationship with God. But they are obviously missing something. They didn't care about the person involved, or about learning anything new. They knew what they knew and that was law.

I'd like to suggest some new sins for us as a church to work on.

Because neglecting the poor is actually sin.

Hating a person or groups of people is sin. -Homosexuals, Jews, and secular rock musicians all included.

Materialism, a form of idolatry is a sin.

I'd like to discuss about using tithes to help people who need it and provide help to hurting people here and in other countries; rather than getting comfier pews and a coffee bar (though I do like and have nothing against coffee).

I'd like to have conversations about how we can love better, and put aside prejudice.

But more then anything I don't want our hearts to go cold like I have seen so many others who were much stronger and better than you and I.

a story in progress

"Always love, hate will get you every time, don't wait till the finish line."
-Nada Surf

Dear child, let me tell you a story so you may understand life.

In the days of magic and lore, 2 young mystics[who were once the closest of friends] fought a battle that nearly destroyed their world.

It all happened over a disagreement of the most serious kind.
The future.

You see they had each looked into their crystal balls and had seen a different vision of what was to come. So being good friends and having great respect for one another's skill; they came together to learn what the other had received about the future.

And when it came time to tell what he had seen, the first mystic said "I have seen the great apocalypse and have seen the devastation of our earth. Come we must build a shelter and a food storage because great tribulation is coming."

The other prophet was at a loss for words, but solemnly said to the other, "I disagree. For in my vision I have seen a land of great blessing flowing with plenty, and much joy abounds in the world. And what we must do is plant our fields and vineyards because the harvest will be great."

Each knew in his own heart to be right, and now having never differed on anything(other then tea flavors), both were at a loss.

"But aren't we now both great mystics having been guided right before", said one. "And yet we both feel like we have seen a vision of the future, much like those we have in the past. How then do we find ourselves at odds? Why do our visions contradict each other so? One of us must be wrong, or at least partially wrong." But neither felt it was them who mis-saw. So with nothing else to say to each other, for they were both sure of what they had seen, they left from one another's company. With this the silent war began.

Soon over time feud began to erupt, for though their friendship had been strong it would not hold against the prospects of the future. [For the future can even rip the strongest bonds apart.]

And it was so until one day a wise wizard walked through those parts. And hearing of this, one of the mystics [it matters not which, for both were tired of the feud] sought out the great wizard. The mystic had heard of the wizard's wisdom, and thought to himself "surely such a great wizard will know that I am indeed right, and he will find a great wise way to make peace with my friend"

And so the young sage found the wise wizard in the forest communing with the gods. Passionately, the young sage told the story of what had happened. But when asked for advice, the wise old wizard smiled a knowing smile. As wise old wizards often do.
"You are both wrong." said the wizard rather dispassionately
"You were stupid to put so much stake in knowing the future, when it is you and the other who will determine it."
'You are foolish to worry about what will come. Though neither of your visions are incorrect. There will be terrible famines, and there will be beautiful harvests; there will be great tribulation and there will be great joy.
But who knows when it will all come too pass, other than the gods themselves. And so I say to you, what use then is knowing the future but not knowing when it will come?
'So I say to you both now, throw out your crystal balls and enjoy each other's friendship. For that is the now.
"The heart of a good friendship is love, and when the time of famine comes[for it will come] and when the times of joy and blessings come[for they too will come] hold fast to each other's side, because through it all at least you will have a friend. First to share pain, and then to share joy. Then if a time comes when you and your companion must part; then part, but do so knowing that you traveled as far as you could with one another. --For you must not part ways only for the hope and the worry of the future."


And so my child learn from this example and examine your own heart, for I will not tell you any more of this story. No, I will not reveal if the two young future-seekers ever followed the wizard's advice, or what was the result, because that is only for the future to determine. And it hasn't been written yet.

Inside

Its raining.
Hard.

And I am stuck inside eating canned clam chowder.

So I'm sorta upset about this, since I was supposed to be camping now.

I was really excited about camping for the last couple weeks, but it kept getting put off, again and again.

Instead of quiet time with God[the point of the trip] , I've watched way too much tv.

I have at least had some good conversations with people, while here.
And some rather random ones.

Sometimes noise is really important-people, music, books and tv can all serve great purposes. If we all had to be quiet all the time I'm sure we'd all go crazy, well at least I know I would.

But sometimes we need to be still to hear the still voice.


Maybe I'll go for a long drive.

Influences

So I hang out with a new group of people.

They love.
They want to change the world.

Its really awesome to have found such awesome people.
And they are all crazies like me!

But rather then sharpening each other, I feel like sometimes we are just picking up each others bad habits.

Also I feel like as amazing as community is, there is a line of wasting time. We hang out alot and for way too long sometimes. We neglect responsibilities because the group is sooo cool, and getting to hang out is fun, why would you want to stop?

Also buying things. We talk about not being consumers a lot and yet we go out to eat and spend our money quite frivolously. And when it comes down to it we help less people then we'd like.

I'm not trying to sound pessimistic. I LOOOVEE my friends, its just well.. somethings got to change.

All is forgoten

I do lots of odd jobs.
Today, I was going through old movie props to sell and give to charity.

I could keep anything I liked.
I didn't want much but there was a lot of old books they used for set dressing[the
movie was a period piece.]

I have this thing for old books.
Something about them are magic to me.

So I went through boxes and boxes stuffed with books. Looking for that rare gem, I found hundreds of stories I've never even heard of. From the 20's to the 60's.
Lots of sappy love stories written in Victorian language, High society, marriage and riches.
Basically poorly written versions of Pride and Prejudice [Hey we all can't be Jane Austin]

It got me thinking. All these stories, and authors forgotten, many of these were by larger publishers, so it wasn't for lack of distribution..
For all the space these books took up in the storage bins, I figure they would make better firewood then reading material. They are worthless.

All the time and effort of writing, only to be forgotten in a few decades.

Misgivings and Beliefs

Church.

Grew up there my entire life.

Preaching, lots of it.


I always thought it'd be good without the hypocrisy.


Years later and I am older. By default I have somehow gotten into ministry--[]

Clean

Every see the wizard of Oz?
You know the tornado in the beginning?
Thats how some have chosen to describe my room.

Its not that I'm a unclean person. It's just, well cluttered.

I am ordered for periods of time, until everything comes crashing down.
I've gotten to that point recently.
I try to stay organized, but its almost like my brain can't handle having too many possesions.
Anyone want my stuff?

My heart now

Maybe I will fail.
But if I do I will be the hindenberg.
I will go up in flames.
I will not fail quiety living the unexaimined life.