Hey so still in Laos. Its nice here. So beautiful - low key. So this is the backpacker circuit ? This is what its all about? Half the people here are party people half are cool people just looking for adventure. I have been hanging with the chill people for the most part, every while bumping into the crazy party-frat kind of people. Its interesting you can forget this is a party town slow vibe, bars playing jack johnson or the like. Every once and a while you can see acouple people stumbling down the street with maker writing all over their bodies. You wonder where they could be from, out of place in the calm relaxed way of life.

Then you go over a street and its madi gras. Party central. Frat guys and drunk girls. Swedish, Australian, British.... All nationalities of frat.

For me I have been keeping it pretty down to earth. Mostly its the people I am with. Which is good. I hang out with down to earth people for a reason. Dont get me wrong sometimes its fun to meet the crazy people and hang for a few hours. But I usually hang with the crazy people on our side of town, not in Sodom.

Ha.

Well I think the day is about to start. I want to post more. It's hard to think of everything you want to post when you are on. short time. oh well maybe i will just post more, quick nonsensical things and hope that eventually i will say enough things that can be made sense of.

Blurg

So I am posting here because my personal xanga wont let me in for some reason i reset my password but bleh it didn't work. or something. So public post instead. Not that many people read this blog anyways. So semi-private semi-public post. My brain is scattered. Samurai swords. Kafka.

By bowels also hurt, and my back. Had a fever yesterday. Matt Gomes left yesterday morning. I think he got caught in the huge snowstorm back home.

I Skpyed a bit after he left. Talked to Vanessa and then my mom and sister for a while. Vanessa is really cool, its silly how talented she is. Really makes me want to create more art. soon soon. Mom and sister were nice. bit of home from thousands of miles. I started falling asleep halfway into the convo though and had to cut it short. At least i got to see their faces. My mom told me to drink lots of fluid and take meds. Then I laid in bed till i had to check out of my hotel then came here to my friends' house and slept on their couch almost all day.

Funny how I am posting in-depth about this. Boring. Meanwhile I just got back from an island with a bunch of great stories. Fell of a motor bike in the pouring rain, other day got a ride on a motorbike witha random thai guy, didn't fall off but lost and separated from my friends. the thai guy was nice enough buy neither of us spoke the others language much. non verbal communication is hard to do from the back of a motorbike/ As our boat pulled up to every island we visited in my head I heard the words "Welcome to Jurassic Park" Honestly I wouldn't have been surprised if I saw a brontosaurus walking by nibbling on some tree leaves.

I kayaked/ Found caves/ Drank good beer- double sized bottles. add smile face here. / mind blowing food- red peanut curry- green coconut curry- pad thai - roasted whole fish on a stick stuff with lemongrass - peppered squid - peppered soft shell crab!- tom yam soup- pork ball soup with seaweed- whole red snapper, white snapper, sea bass all with different preparations - giant BBQ'd king prawns- fishball soup with noodles- pork liver and noodles/ met lots of new friends/ Climb a mountain-hand over hand -down to a lagoon/ Fended off thai bar girls --something I will forever have to do here in thailand-- Bar girls are hired by the bar to make sure everyone is having a nice time. So flirt with you basically. but they will gladly be your girlfriend, for a fee. Not necessarily money but lots of gifts. And you have to pay the bar for their loss of the girl if you ever take her out durring working hours? Sounds a lot like prostitution to me. I avoid bar girls. I don't like any bit of the idea. Part out of disgust partly because of pride, I don't pay for sex. period. besides I am poor anyways. I dont think the girls realize that.

Yeah life.

Now i need to oraganize my thoughts. figure out exactly what it is I want to do here. but I am still sick. I don't want to be organized. I want to nap. I may do that. we shall see.

general

Havn't wrote in a very long time.

Kinda have had a general entry in my head for a while. The perfect entry. But it's funny how if you don't write things down quickly enough they get, I dunno "moldy?".

A note- I hate grammer when I write posts. I wish I could be poetic with beautiful prose and imagrey to my words.


So here is the post. GENERAL.

Its funny how life moves. How it shifts and changes. How I am the same today as yesterday but not completly. and I am not sure always in which ways I am different and the same.
Maybe exterior like going from one bad haircut to the next [no change there] or do I slowly care more about my appearance then yesterday- nope. I am just as vain as before....
though maybe I am more bold in admiting it.
Yes I am vain- shoot me.
I'd rather admit my flaws and sins then deal with them at this current juncture of my life I feel.
If I want to be an asshole damn I shall be, let me be.
but I don't really want to be an asshole so please don't let me be.....

LIfe and it's meaning. I still search for it. I still search for Love.
I just hate my skattered brain and skattered life. In search for the truth there must exist search for the focus. A focused life is the most powerful. But I think we all put it off trying to figure out what to focus on. Money- to neglect a family. A family to neglect material possessions. God to neglect selfishness.
If you focus though- you acheive it. If you take the sun and focus it with a glass you can burn through just about anything.

Crazy.

So been reading Che guevara bio. Great. I really feel like I can relate to him. Alot. Not the communist revolutionary part. But the driving qualities underneath. Luckly nutrure vs nature the nuture has won out in my case.
I want to fight but I think to fight non-violently is the only way to acheive sustainable change. I believe in helping one another and common rights of the rich and poor.
But I believe that it can't be forced as a system. But a much better breed of socialism can exist in communities where there is Love. Where the rich open their homes and kitchens and the poor open their hearts and their lives.

I would give the world to you!

A year ago I said to a girl, that I would cross oceans and mountains for her.
And I meant it. I'd have done anything for her. And not to just make her love me. Or because I felt obligated or something. But because I loved her. And well, that's just what love makes you want to do... anything.

But now a year has passed, since I last said words like that.
Well until recently.

I said it jokingly to a friend I give car rides to every once an a while. I said it because she felt bad that she relied on me a lot for rides. I at first said it dramatically- [silly voice included]---. "You're only 45 minutes away, heck don't you know I'd cross oceans and mountains for you......" I said in jest, but after the words left my lips, I realized I meant it. I would cross oceans and mountains, I would do anything for that friend. And over the past few days I realized I feel that way with all I can call my friends. I realized I would do anything for them. Really! [don't tell them this though it might go to there heads!]

And again it's not because I want them to like me, But because, well, I love them.
And thats what Love does....

So I have been asking myself. When did this happen?

I'm so not sure.

Maybe between praying to be able to Love and the fact I have amazing friends....

I want to live my life in Love. >>> I say it all the time.

But slowly I am starting to understand what those words truly mean [More and More]

I want to expand my definition of friends.
I want to love the orphan and the widow. I think I am closer to loving them then ever. My heart is starting to ache more and more for those who are hurting. [a beautiful ache not a bad ache-- sorta akin to a happy cry]

I want to get to know them. I want to know their names.
I want to see them as God sees them!!! [For Love does not see with rosy glasses but with the truest purest sight.]
Then I can climb to their mountains and sing to them songs of Love.
And shout out loud, of the amazing talents and joys of the overlooked and the marginalized.

Oh, I want to Love!!!!

Yes, so as I am writing of how my love grown in this year, I am smiling, yet I am not satisfied. For I have seen glimpses of what Love could be, and I want to see all that it is.
love, Love, LOVE

-Matt

Am I the only one who knows we are asleep?

Am I the only one who wants to wake up?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else cares about the things they say they do. I mean I know they do. I know they want to. Like this whole Loving/changing the world thing. We all want to, who doesn't. But long as it's a hobby. Long as it is an extracurricular. I am so tired. I want to fall asleep. I want to subcum to the lullaby. But I don't think I have it in me.
It's like a taste everyone can taste. Something not quite right. Off.
But most just get used to it and eat. I get sick from it.

But then again it's not like I can't get used to it, either. I think I can. I do get "numb" I do "fall asleep" sometimes. But what is different about me is, I think I am not built to stay there.

I've always purposely done crazy stuff to keep me fully focused in this world. I've done as a kid- since I can remember.. As if this drive was always there, hardwired.

Examples sound strange: Taking showers with clothes on or running out into the pouring rain and dancing through puddles with my nicest clothes[ did this alot when I was 20]. Dead Sprints, push ups, etc- lots of dead sprints. [Pushing my body to the very limit until I couldn't do it anymore].

Spending nights out alone in the woods with only a little gear.
Making friends with random strangers.

-------
[will continue-- till then, bed-- work in 5 hours...]

Oxygen

I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees
I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease
I wanna be cooler than t.v.
For all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be
We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe
We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need
We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.

On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.

I wanna see through all the lies of society
To the reality, happiness is at stake
I wanna hold up my head with dignity
Proud of a life where to give means more than to take
I wan't to live beyond the modern mentality
Where paper is all that you're really taught to create
Do you remember the forgotten America?
Justice, equality, freedom to every race?
Just need to get past all the lies and hypocrisy
Make up and hair to the truth behind every face
That look around to all the people you see,
How many of them are happy and free?
I know it sounds like a dream
But it's the only thing that can get me to sleep at night
I know it's hard to believe
But it's easy to see that something here isn't right
I know the future looks dark
But it's there that the kids of today must carry the light.

On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.

If i'm afraid to catch a dream
I weave your baskets and i'll float them down the river stream
Each one i weave with words i speak to carry love to your relief.

I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees
I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease
I wanna be cooler than t.v.
For all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be
We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe
We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need
We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.

On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew

-Willy Mason

Not feeling very

Not feeling very....


I have to edit.

but I really don't know how.

well sorta but not really

I don't wanna edit. I don't wanna. I don't!!! WANNNA.

Ugh.

I'm sorta bummed. I put so much effort into this last video and I am yet to finish it. The only way for me to ever finish it in a reasonable time frame is for me to do the editing myself. And I'm not even sure of how good its going to come out. For everything we put in....
It's not like I was slacking off. I worked very, very hard. Hardest in my life. And I prayed the whole way through too. I gave the whole thing over to God.

But in the end. FAILURE.


Don't get me wrong I'm not writing it off as a complete loss. I'm still smiling. I'm a make lemonade [out of life's lemons] kind of guy. I'm just frustrated. I don't know if I have it in me to finish this. I'm doubting if I'll ever finish anything. I just want to finish. I want to acomplish something I set out to do.
I don't want the reputation of the guy with lots of great ideas, who never finishes.


So here I go....again.